i feel so left behind in life at nearly 31, filled with insecurity about my future- what do i do?
right now i feel alone , isolated from society with many insecurities.
ive had a unfortunate hard life filled with trauma, because of this ive missed out on the normal things that a person does : forming any relationships, having a life – achieving an education and qualifications.
was diagnosed with bpd personality disorder with ptsd traits 2 years ago, suffered and still suffer with the symptoms of ; high anxiety panic problems, struggle with aggression and rage , very low self esteem ; agoraphobia been isolated from society for many years.. ; struggle social to form friendships , maintain conversations , have very low self esteem.
used to have countless rage outbursts in public years ago, impulsive aggression, but ive managed it well for years.
been very lucky, because of rage i lashed out at people in public, been attacked myself, cautioned by the police in the past – the rage comes from years of bottled up anger in adolescence where i suffered taunts and mental bullying.
people in my local community are still cold and aloof and treat me as an outcast, their distant from me , like they have for many, many years , but ive tried to carry on and ignore it…
in the present i live in a one bedroom flat in the north of england on disability, owning hardly any possessions, reliant on the mental health services for support…………they dont have the therapy i want because of lack of resources ( individual psychotherapy ) so im having to take what their offering which is ( occupational therapy to integrate me back into society ) because ive been isolated , alienated from society half my life.
i have a criminal and psychiatric record, criminal record going back 7 years ago, spent time in a mental hospital for 18 months in 2000.
to be honest iam desperate for a life and happiness, a career, meaningful relationships, security , stability , to achieve my goals in life of a decent computer job and to move away from england , live abroad someplace near a coast, with a wife etc..
im desperate for all this, things ive never achieved because of my unfortunate life.
i act desperate for people friendship, and my severe low esteem frightens people away or they reject me.
and how will i achieve the things i desire in life when iam so far behind everybody else at many disadvantages ? ?